But I wasn't so pleased driving over here. On the way to a hospital I am all too familiar with I began to have a nagging feeling in my stomach; a sense of dread, nervousness, and uneasiness! All the while I was reminding Carson that this was just a sleep study, I was also reminding myself of that very thing. This is easy; come in, check in, get hooked up to wires and go to sleep. Easy, yes! And believe me, I am incredibly thankful that we are only here to sleep, I will take a trip to the hospital with no surgeries or tests any day!
There is just one thing that I don't know if I will ever get over, that knot in my stomach the minute we pull into the parking garage. I park the car, take a deep breath and open the door...that's the first step. Next it's gathering up all the things we need, plus Carson, plus the armloads of things to occupy him, distract him, and keep him comfortable. Those steps from the car to the hospital doors have been some of the longest and some of the shortest steps of my life. Once we walk through those door, I am surrounded by that hospital smell...that sterile, stinky soap, very distinct smell...it makes me want to turn around and walk right back out (or run). But I never do, we just keep on walking. If there are tears in my eyes or a lump in my throat I do everything I can to make it go away, and instead focus on Carson. This isn't about me after all, this is about the brave, strong little boy who is with me. The one who needs his mommy to tell him that everything is going to be fine, that this is another adventure, that we are in this together! After we make it to the correct floor and step out of the elevator it's time for the paperwork that I can fill out in seconds, the list of surgeries a mile long, the medications he's taking and then waiting to see the doctor, specialist, surgeon..whoever it might be that particular day. We have done all this so many times it's second nature to us now. We know how to "do" doctor's visits, we know the drill for surgeries and test; Carson knows the routine and goes along quite willingly most of the time.
So as I lay here just listening to Carson sleep, my thoughts are going in two different directions. First, I am wondering when will I ever get used to this? When will it not bother me to see or smell certain aspects of these things? Will there come a day when this is all just a faint memory? The age 6 has always been a big number for us. That's the age we have always been given when doctors say he "should" be much more improved. We have seen marked improvement over the years but I'm not expecting perfection by six...only five months to go! But if it's true, if by 6 years old he is a more "normal" boy, than I will praise God. I will praise Him in the trials and in the celebrations! I look forward to seeing what God does with my boy over these next months and years. I am spending this year praying that 2013 with be our first year with no surgeries. We have come so far and everything that has happened is because of the goodness and greatness of our God.
And second, we have it pretty good! Has Carson had more surgeries, procedures, tests, doctors appointments, medications than the average kid? YES! Are there children out there who have it far worse then we can ever understand? YES! Over the years God has brought children into our path to remind me of what it could be like, what its like for these other mommas, and how I should never ever take for granted how good He has been to us. We know children who have had cancer, who are in remission, and one who is a cancer survivor at the age of 5. We know children who by all medical standards probably should not have survived being born at 26 weeks instead of 40 but God had much bigger plans for them. We know children who are sick and in the hospital constantly, who's futures are unknown, and who can do nothing but rest in the arms of God. What a mighty God we serve! I just ask the Lord to always remind me of these children and their parents, that I will pray for them and that I won't focus only on myself and how this affects my life. But I pray I will rejoice, I will celebrate how far we have come, I will teach Carson what it means to give thanks always and see the good in every situation.
I guess tonight I am just thankful...I started out a little sad, unsure, and thinking how unfair this is. But God has reminded me to rejoice! Looking back can be painful, but it can also show the healing that came from the pain. You can see where the wounds have healed and even though there are scars, they are reminders of a faithful and loving God who is directing our path and guiding our steps. He is always there, He will use this, and I pray that He will use me.
Tonight, as I sleep in a hospital room for what feels like the hundredth time, I am reminded of the Psalm that says "I will both lie down in peace, and sleep. For you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
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