Remember when...

Are there certain places you walk into and are flooded with memories?  Do certain scents trigger memories for you? Do you get a knot in your stomach or a lump in your throat when that happens?  I know I do! Tonight, I am laying on a horribly uncomfortable "bed" that I am convinced is only good for making parents miserable while their children lay peacefully sleeping in the more comfortable bed beside them.  Carson and I are spending the night at the Sleep Lab at Children's Hospital.  We have been here before but it's been a few years, and he doesn't remember it at all so this is a brand new experience for him.  I am so thankful for the majority of the staff here at Children's and all the remodeling and updating they are doing here to make children and parents more comfortable.  This newer Sleep Lab is very nice and I am very pleased so far.  

But I wasn't so pleased driving over here.  On the way to a hospital I am all too familiar with I began to have a nagging feeling in my stomach; a sense of dread, nervousness, and uneasiness!   All the while I was reminding Carson that this was just a sleep study, I was also reminding myself of that very thing.  This is easy; come in, check in, get hooked up to wires and go to sleep.  Easy, yes! And believe me, I am incredibly thankful that we are only here to sleep, I will take a trip to the hospital with no surgeries or tests any day! 

There is just one thing that I don't know if I will ever get over, that knot in my stomach the minute we pull into the parking garage.  I park the car, take a deep breath and open the door...that's the first step.  Next it's gathering up all the things we need, plus Carson, plus the armloads of things to occupy him, distract him, and keep him comfortable.  Those steps from the car to the hospital doors have been some of the longest and some of the shortest steps of my life.  Once we walk through those door, I am surrounded by that hospital smell...that sterile, stinky soap, very distinct smell...it makes me want to turn around and walk right back out (or run).  But I never do, we just keep on walking.  If there are tears in my eyes or a lump in my throat I do everything I can to make it go away, and instead focus on Carson.  This isn't about me after all, this is about the brave, strong little boy who is with me.  The one who needs his mommy to tell him that everything is going to be fine, that this is another adventure, that we are in this together!  After we make it to the correct floor and step out of the elevator it's time for the paperwork that I can fill out in seconds, the list of surgeries a mile long, the medications he's taking and then waiting to see the doctor, specialist, surgeon..whoever it might be that particular day.  We have done all this so many times it's second nature to us now.  We know how to "do" doctor's visits, we know the drill for surgeries and test; Carson knows the routine and goes along quite willingly most of the time. 

So as I lay here just listening to Carson sleep, my thoughts are going in two different directions. First, I am wondering when will I ever get used to this? When will it not bother me to see or smell certain aspects of these things?  Will there come a day when this is all just a faint memory?  The age 6 has always been a big number for us.  That's the age we have always been given when doctors say he "should" be much more improved.  We have seen marked improvement over the years but I'm not expecting perfection by six...only five months to go! But if it's true, if by 6 years old he is a more "normal" boy, than I will praise God.  I will praise Him in the trials and in the celebrations! I look forward to seeing what God does with my boy over these next months and years.  I am spending this year praying that 2013 with be our first year with no surgeries.  We have come so far and everything that has happened is because of the goodness and greatness of our God.  

And second, we have it pretty good!  Has Carson had more surgeries, procedures, tests, doctors appointments, medications than the average kid? YES! Are there children out there who have it far worse then we can ever understand? YES!  Over the years God has brought children into our path to remind me of what it could be like, what its like for these other mommas, and how I should never ever take for granted how good He has been to us.  We know children who have had cancer, who are in remission, and one who is a cancer survivor at the age of 5.  We know children who by all medical standards probably should not have survived being born at 26 weeks instead of 40 but God had much bigger plans for them.  We know children who are sick and in the hospital constantly, who's futures are unknown, and who can do nothing but rest in the arms of God. What a mighty God we serve!   I just ask the Lord to always remind me of these children and their parents, that I will pray for them and that I won't focus only on myself and how this affects my life.  But I pray I will rejoice, I will celebrate how far we have come, I will teach Carson what it means to give thanks always and see the good in every situation.  

I guess tonight I am just thankful...I started out a little sad, unsure, and thinking how unfair this is.  But God has reminded me to rejoice!  Looking back can be painful, but it can also show the healing that came from the pain.   You can see where the wounds have healed and even though there are scars, they are reminders of a faithful and loving God who is directing our path and guiding our steps.  He is always there, He will use this, and I pray that He will use me.  

Tonight, as I sleep in a hospital room for what feels like the hundredth time, I am reminded of the Psalm that says "I will both lie down in peace, and sleep. For you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Life Lessons

I just realized something this afternoon.  It's something I should have probably already been thinking about, something I should already have known, but I just hadn't really thought about it.  Here it is...kids are going to make fun of Carson.  They are going to stare at him when he coughs, laugh when he breathes funny, and not understand why he is "different."  The thing is all kids get made fun of in one way or another, at some point in their lives.  The most "normal" kids out there will have something that will get them teased...the way they dress, talk, laugh, run, etc.  I know that!  I was teased, I was the one doing the teasing, I said hurtful things, and hurtful things have been said to me!  That's life, right!?
RIGHT! Until it comes to your kids and you don't want anything to ever hurt them or make them question what an amazing gift from God they are!
Ever since Carson was born people have stared, strangers have walked up to me and asked if he was ok, people were nervous to keep him in the church nursery, and lets be honest I was pretty defensive.  I was thrown into being a mom with no expectation that this would be my normal.  I, like every other first time mom, dreamed of my perfect little bundle of joy; 10 fingers, 10 toes, normal, and beautiful.  With Carson there were 10 fingers and 10 toes and he was beautiful...normal though?  not so much.  Back then, just a little over 5 1/2 years ago, I had never heard of a TE Fistula, Esophageal Atresia, or anything related to a NICU and I was a naive, clueless, sheltered girl.  It didn't take me long to educate myself, know everything I needed to know, and be ready with lists of questions and concerns at each and every doctor's appointment.  I was his voice, his advocate, his protector, and his mommy.   I hated being stared at, I hated the looks of pity and concern, I hated being questioned on my parenting ability, and I hated not understanding why God chose me to be this little miracle's mommy.  I wasn't always nice, I wasn't always sensitive...I guarded my heart and my baby.
Well he isn't a baby anymore...he keeps reminding me that he is MORE than 5 1/2 now and almost a 1st grader.  He is smart, aware, sensitive, and so many other things that are such amazing attributes.  He is my miracle!  But not everyone knows his back story, not every adult or child knows that his cough is normal or that his breathing noises are ok.  I still see people stare, I hear snickers as we walk through a store, and I still get defensive but I have gotten better. I'm tougher then you might think but Carson? How strong is he?  Probably stronger then I will ever know but I can not grasp the thought of him being teased or stared at....what will his reaction be?  Will he have the right answers? Will he be defensive or will I be able to teach him to be strong and stand up for himself? Will he accept that although he sounds different that he is just like all the other kids? Will I be able to help him understand what an amazing miracle his life is?  Will he care?
Kids don't always mean to be mean, they don't always say things to be hurtful...they just don't understand.  I want to help Carson to understand that, I want him to know that every single time I hear him cough, and every single time I hear him make noises when he breathes that I am reminded of what an incredible, amazing, wonderful gift from God he is.  God gave me Carson to teach me over and over again about the goodness of God, His faithfulness, and how His mercies are new every morning! There have been challenges, trials, and fears but I have learned to "rejoice in the Lord always....let gentleness be known to all men....be anxious for nothing...in everything by prayer and supplication and with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God...AND the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds.   (Phil 4:4-7)
I am overwhelmed right now thinking about anyone hurting Carson, or that time that may come when he wishes he wasn't different or wishes he could be more like the other kids!  I pray with all my heart that I will be able to say and do just the right things.  I pray that he will have strength, that he will not be defensive, that he will be able to laugh and smile and know that people don't mean to be hurtful, I pray that he will always have a sensitive heart and be aware of others.  There are children out there that are even less "normal" than Carson, I pray that Carson will be their friends, that he will protect them, love them, and understand them.
I am looking forward to seeing what else God has for Carson...I look forward to the day he asks Jesus into his heart and how God will use his precious, wonderful life.  I am incredibly thankful for Carson, he completely changed my life!   I am thankful for the lessons I have learned and the ones that are still left to learn.  I am thankful for this day....even though it weighs on my heart and mind that he may be teased or made fun of,  I am thankful that I do not have to worry about that...God has it all under control!   I am thankful for the example Carson is to others...a living, breathing example of God's amazing grace.
So, although I want to shout it from the rooftops, have shirts made, or pass out fliers that say "HE IS FINE, IT'S NORMAL, I PROMISE! I will just keep trusting in God and asking for wisdom as I raise Carson and Aden.  I pray that I am kind and that I show Jesus to others. I pray that I will not be anxious or worry but that I will trust that God will give all the strength, faith, and mercy that we will need!

12 Extraordinary Women ~ Part 7

I had hoped that this series of posts would happen in a more timely way, closer together so that it all went smoothly and flowed from one to the next.  Clearly, that did not happen...life definitely can "get in the way" of sitting down to blog!  In case you have missed Part 1-6, I am doing a series of blogs about 12 extraordinary women in my life.  After doing a topical Sunday School class on the book 12 Extraordinary Women by John MacArthur I was inspired to tell you about some very special women in my life.  As I have said several times before, I am abundantly blessed to be surrounded by amazingly extraordinary women.  There are so many that you and I could list off quickly and obviously but my goal in this was to tell you something about the less obvious ones.  These are women who have impacted my life, who are a great example, and who follow hard after God.  They are doing God's will faithfully, consistently, and without much fanfare or attention pointed their way.  They are not always recognized and sadly not always noticed.  These are the women who I want to tell you about, the unexpected, extraordinary women.
Today is my 7th women in the series, she is someone who I knew as a young girl and then reconnected with just a couple of years ago.  She is several years younger than me but still such an example.  Heather grew up at Graceway as a little girl and until just a couple of years ago I had not seen her since she left so many years ago.  I remember she walked in one evening to church when I was working in the nursery, she filled out visitor cards for Haidyn and a couple of other kids she had with her, and we chatted for a minute.  I told her she looked so familiar to me and thats when I realized it was little Heather Wright all grown up!
I am so thankful that God brought Heather back to Graceway and that we have been able to become close over the past year or so.  Carson and Haidyn are the same age...exact same age...same birthday and everything! Eli and Aden are a year apart but Eli can hold his own with anybody!
I have loved watching Heather grow in the Lord, study His Word, and learn more and more what it means to be a godly woman, wife, mother, and friend.  She is probably one of the happiest, smiliest people I know.  She makes me laugh and just enjoys life.  I love her spontaneity and her outlook on life.  She is energetic, fun, outgoing, and full of life!
Not only does she have this fun, bubbly personality but she also loves the Lord with all her heart and she exemplifies Him in all she does.  I love her desire to know more, I love the questions she asks me, I love how she has written all over her Bible as she studies, grows, and learns.  Heather challenges me, she makes me want to do better, she motivates me to study more.  She lives out loud and shows Jesus to everyone she comes in contact with.  I have very seldom heard from her complaining, grumbling, or negativity.  She can see the positive in almost any situation.
Heather is faithful and obedient.  She follows what God commands for her life and is an example to her husband, children, family, and everyone around her.  She is following hard after God, she strives to be like Him, love like Him, and point others to Him.  She is a great example of an extraordinary woman!
Heather, thank you for being my friend!  I am so glad God brought you into my life!  I am beyond blessed as I watch you learn more and more what it means to follow God!  I love your love for His word and how you desire to be obedient and do His will!  I love that through challenges and trials you are faithful and consistent. You are learning and growing, and you don't give up or waiver.  You are a great friend and encourager.  Keep doing what you are doing, God will bless that!  I know He has amazing things in store for your life as you continue to become more like Him as an extraordinary woman!  I love you!