Carson is being put to sleep for the 11th time tomorrow....ELEVENTH! :(
He is having a surgery/procedure to look at his trachea and esophagus. He will have two amazing doctors in the operating room making sure that everything is ok; and if it isn't ok they will be fixing whatever the problem might be.
We have done this hospital "thing" plenty of times:
*They tell me it's outpatient surgery, but I pack a bag, he always gets admitted.
*They already have his medical history on file so I don't have to write it all out with every set of paperwork.
* The nurses in the recovery room recognize his name and even if they aren't assigned to him, they come see him anyway.
*I always have to tell the anesthesiologist that Carson doesn't react well to being put to sleep and he wakes up frantic and aggressive. (he pulled out an IV when he was 1)
* His oxygen levels will be low, they always are.
*When we get admitted and are on the floor we will have amazing nurses who take very good care of him and me. We will even recognize some of them because we've had them several times before.
*He willingly holds out his arm for the blood pressure cuff, and doesn't utter a complaint when they mess with him, even in the middle of the night
I will be ever so pleasantly surprised if we do not get admitted tomorrow, but like I said, our bags will be packed.
Not only do I have to get Carson and I ready, I have to make sure Aden is taken care of. Clothes laid out, food ready, a list of instructions for MiMi, and try not to think about being away from him for at least 24 hours.
Last night, I was putting away laundry and while doing that I pulled out a few things to pack for Carson and I. And that's when it hit me, that huge knot in my stomach, a jittery feeling, the strong desire to curl up in a ball and hope it all just goes away. But it isn't going anywhere, at 7:00 in the morning we will be on our way. I will be thinking is he going to be ok? Are they going to find something big or nothing at all? How will Carson handle this at this age? Will he be scared? What will he be thinking? Did I prepare him in the right way? and on and on.....but as soon as we walk into that surgery waiting room I will be strong, tough, and confident. First of all, because that is what my son needs me to be. When I see moms who are sobbing and freaking out and then I look at their child who has so much fear and uncertainty because if mom is such a mess this must be really bad. Secondly, because doctors respect you more when you are not a blubbering mess! :) They include you in their conversations, they consult with you, and they are confident you can handle what is about to happen.
But last night, I was not in the surgery waiting room, there were no doctors around, and my kids were in bed, so I cried. Not only did I cry but I complained, and I whined a little and then I was over it.
I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God gave Carson to Brad and I for an incredible, amazing reason that we have not even scraped the surface of yet. But in times like these I sometimes wonder why. Not in a grumbling and complaining way...just a genuine curiosity of what reason God has for giving us a child with all of these special needs. In all honesty I have said just recently to Brad that I wonder what it would have been like to have a "normal" kid or be a "normal" mom that doesn't have to go through all of this. But I would not trade the past 4 years for a hundred healthy "normal" kids. Actually, Aden's little snotty noses and rare fevers freak me out more then they should because everything has always been so big with Carson.
I know two children the same age as Carson who have been through cancer and come through with flying colors and what those families have been through makes what we have experienced so small and insignificant in comparison. That's another part of the reason for the tough girl act; it could be so much worse than it is. But everyone's "bad" is different. Bad for Carson is surgery, hospital stays, breathing issues but for someone else bad is wondering if their child will someday be cancer free, and for others bad is a cold or stomach bug. It's all about perspective and personal experience. Be thankful for your circumstances, you never know how God will use them or who He will allow you to minister to, or who He might have minister to you.
So I told you my secret....I'm human, I'm a girl, I cry....I'm not really "supermom"! I know this is not at all shocking to anyone who knows me but I can pretend, right?! And in saying all that I can confidently apply these verses to my situation:
"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" Phil. 1:6
"From the rising of the sun to its going down the Lord's name is to be praised" Ps 113:3
"But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill" Ps 3:3-4
"As for God, His way is perfect, the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust Him. For who is God, except the Lord? And who is a rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect" Ps 18:30-32
"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them" Eph 2:10
"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height - to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able ot do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all geneartions forever and ever. Amen. Eph 3:14-21
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" Phil 4:6-7
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" 1 Thess 5:16-18
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| Look how far we've come!!! |
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