Remember when...

Are there certain places you walk into and are flooded with memories?  Do certain scents trigger memories for you? Do you get a knot in your stomach or a lump in your throat when that happens?  I know I do! Tonight, I am laying on a horribly uncomfortable "bed" that I am convinced is only good for making parents miserable while their children lay peacefully sleeping in the more comfortable bed beside them.  Carson and I are spending the night at the Sleep Lab at Children's Hospital.  We have been here before but it's been a few years, and he doesn't remember it at all so this is a brand new experience for him.  I am so thankful for the majority of the staff here at Children's and all the remodeling and updating they are doing here to make children and parents more comfortable.  This newer Sleep Lab is very nice and I am very pleased so far.  

But I wasn't so pleased driving over here.  On the way to a hospital I am all too familiar with I began to have a nagging feeling in my stomach; a sense of dread, nervousness, and uneasiness!   All the while I was reminding Carson that this was just a sleep study, I was also reminding myself of that very thing.  This is easy; come in, check in, get hooked up to wires and go to sleep.  Easy, yes! And believe me, I am incredibly thankful that we are only here to sleep, I will take a trip to the hospital with no surgeries or tests any day! 

There is just one thing that I don't know if I will ever get over, that knot in my stomach the minute we pull into the parking garage.  I park the car, take a deep breath and open the door...that's the first step.  Next it's gathering up all the things we need, plus Carson, plus the armloads of things to occupy him, distract him, and keep him comfortable.  Those steps from the car to the hospital doors have been some of the longest and some of the shortest steps of my life.  Once we walk through those door, I am surrounded by that hospital smell...that sterile, stinky soap, very distinct smell...it makes me want to turn around and walk right back out (or run).  But I never do, we just keep on walking.  If there are tears in my eyes or a lump in my throat I do everything I can to make it go away, and instead focus on Carson.  This isn't about me after all, this is about the brave, strong little boy who is with me.  The one who needs his mommy to tell him that everything is going to be fine, that this is another adventure, that we are in this together!  After we make it to the correct floor and step out of the elevator it's time for the paperwork that I can fill out in seconds, the list of surgeries a mile long, the medications he's taking and then waiting to see the doctor, specialist, surgeon..whoever it might be that particular day.  We have done all this so many times it's second nature to us now.  We know how to "do" doctor's visits, we know the drill for surgeries and test; Carson knows the routine and goes along quite willingly most of the time. 

So as I lay here just listening to Carson sleep, my thoughts are going in two different directions. First, I am wondering when will I ever get used to this? When will it not bother me to see or smell certain aspects of these things?  Will there come a day when this is all just a faint memory?  The age 6 has always been a big number for us.  That's the age we have always been given when doctors say he "should" be much more improved.  We have seen marked improvement over the years but I'm not expecting perfection by six...only five months to go! But if it's true, if by 6 years old he is a more "normal" boy, than I will praise God.  I will praise Him in the trials and in the celebrations! I look forward to seeing what God does with my boy over these next months and years.  I am spending this year praying that 2013 with be our first year with no surgeries.  We have come so far and everything that has happened is because of the goodness and greatness of our God.  

And second, we have it pretty good!  Has Carson had more surgeries, procedures, tests, doctors appointments, medications than the average kid? YES! Are there children out there who have it far worse then we can ever understand? YES!  Over the years God has brought children into our path to remind me of what it could be like, what its like for these other mommas, and how I should never ever take for granted how good He has been to us.  We know children who have had cancer, who are in remission, and one who is a cancer survivor at the age of 5.  We know children who by all medical standards probably should not have survived being born at 26 weeks instead of 40 but God had much bigger plans for them.  We know children who are sick and in the hospital constantly, who's futures are unknown, and who can do nothing but rest in the arms of God. What a mighty God we serve!   I just ask the Lord to always remind me of these children and their parents, that I will pray for them and that I won't focus only on myself and how this affects my life.  But I pray I will rejoice, I will celebrate how far we have come, I will teach Carson what it means to give thanks always and see the good in every situation.  

I guess tonight I am just thankful...I started out a little sad, unsure, and thinking how unfair this is.  But God has reminded me to rejoice!  Looking back can be painful, but it can also show the healing that came from the pain.   You can see where the wounds have healed and even though there are scars, they are reminders of a faithful and loving God who is directing our path and guiding our steps.  He is always there, He will use this, and I pray that He will use me.  

Tonight, as I sleep in a hospital room for what feels like the hundredth time, I am reminded of the Psalm that says "I will both lie down in peace, and sleep. For you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Life Lessons

I just realized something this afternoon.  It's something I should have probably already been thinking about, something I should already have known, but I just hadn't really thought about it.  Here it is...kids are going to make fun of Carson.  They are going to stare at him when he coughs, laugh when he breathes funny, and not understand why he is "different."  The thing is all kids get made fun of in one way or another, at some point in their lives.  The most "normal" kids out there will have something that will get them teased...the way they dress, talk, laugh, run, etc.  I know that!  I was teased, I was the one doing the teasing, I said hurtful things, and hurtful things have been said to me!  That's life, right!?
RIGHT! Until it comes to your kids and you don't want anything to ever hurt them or make them question what an amazing gift from God they are!
Ever since Carson was born people have stared, strangers have walked up to me and asked if he was ok, people were nervous to keep him in the church nursery, and lets be honest I was pretty defensive.  I was thrown into being a mom with no expectation that this would be my normal.  I, like every other first time mom, dreamed of my perfect little bundle of joy; 10 fingers, 10 toes, normal, and beautiful.  With Carson there were 10 fingers and 10 toes and he was beautiful...normal though?  not so much.  Back then, just a little over 5 1/2 years ago, I had never heard of a TE Fistula, Esophageal Atresia, or anything related to a NICU and I was a naive, clueless, sheltered girl.  It didn't take me long to educate myself, know everything I needed to know, and be ready with lists of questions and concerns at each and every doctor's appointment.  I was his voice, his advocate, his protector, and his mommy.   I hated being stared at, I hated the looks of pity and concern, I hated being questioned on my parenting ability, and I hated not understanding why God chose me to be this little miracle's mommy.  I wasn't always nice, I wasn't always sensitive...I guarded my heart and my baby.
Well he isn't a baby anymore...he keeps reminding me that he is MORE than 5 1/2 now and almost a 1st grader.  He is smart, aware, sensitive, and so many other things that are such amazing attributes.  He is my miracle!  But not everyone knows his back story, not every adult or child knows that his cough is normal or that his breathing noises are ok.  I still see people stare, I hear snickers as we walk through a store, and I still get defensive but I have gotten better. I'm tougher then you might think but Carson? How strong is he?  Probably stronger then I will ever know but I can not grasp the thought of him being teased or stared at....what will his reaction be?  Will he have the right answers? Will he be defensive or will I be able to teach him to be strong and stand up for himself? Will he accept that although he sounds different that he is just like all the other kids? Will I be able to help him understand what an amazing miracle his life is?  Will he care?
Kids don't always mean to be mean, they don't always say things to be hurtful...they just don't understand.  I want to help Carson to understand that, I want him to know that every single time I hear him cough, and every single time I hear him make noises when he breathes that I am reminded of what an incredible, amazing, wonderful gift from God he is.  God gave me Carson to teach me over and over again about the goodness of God, His faithfulness, and how His mercies are new every morning! There have been challenges, trials, and fears but I have learned to "rejoice in the Lord always....let gentleness be known to all men....be anxious for nothing...in everything by prayer and supplication and with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God...AND the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds.   (Phil 4:4-7)
I am overwhelmed right now thinking about anyone hurting Carson, or that time that may come when he wishes he wasn't different or wishes he could be more like the other kids!  I pray with all my heart that I will be able to say and do just the right things.  I pray that he will have strength, that he will not be defensive, that he will be able to laugh and smile and know that people don't mean to be hurtful, I pray that he will always have a sensitive heart and be aware of others.  There are children out there that are even less "normal" than Carson, I pray that Carson will be their friends, that he will protect them, love them, and understand them.
I am looking forward to seeing what else God has for Carson...I look forward to the day he asks Jesus into his heart and how God will use his precious, wonderful life.  I am incredibly thankful for Carson, he completely changed my life!   I am thankful for the lessons I have learned and the ones that are still left to learn.  I am thankful for this day....even though it weighs on my heart and mind that he may be teased or made fun of,  I am thankful that I do not have to worry about that...God has it all under control!   I am thankful for the example Carson is to others...a living, breathing example of God's amazing grace.
So, although I want to shout it from the rooftops, have shirts made, or pass out fliers that say "HE IS FINE, IT'S NORMAL, I PROMISE! I will just keep trusting in God and asking for wisdom as I raise Carson and Aden.  I pray that I am kind and that I show Jesus to others. I pray that I will not be anxious or worry but that I will trust that God will give all the strength, faith, and mercy that we will need!

12 Extraordinary Women ~ Part 7

I had hoped that this series of posts would happen in a more timely way, closer together so that it all went smoothly and flowed from one to the next.  Clearly, that did not happen...life definitely can "get in the way" of sitting down to blog!  In case you have missed Part 1-6, I am doing a series of blogs about 12 extraordinary women in my life.  After doing a topical Sunday School class on the book 12 Extraordinary Women by John MacArthur I was inspired to tell you about some very special women in my life.  As I have said several times before, I am abundantly blessed to be surrounded by amazingly extraordinary women.  There are so many that you and I could list off quickly and obviously but my goal in this was to tell you something about the less obvious ones.  These are women who have impacted my life, who are a great example, and who follow hard after God.  They are doing God's will faithfully, consistently, and without much fanfare or attention pointed their way.  They are not always recognized and sadly not always noticed.  These are the women who I want to tell you about, the unexpected, extraordinary women.
Today is my 7th women in the series, she is someone who I knew as a young girl and then reconnected with just a couple of years ago.  She is several years younger than me but still such an example.  Heather grew up at Graceway as a little girl and until just a couple of years ago I had not seen her since she left so many years ago.  I remember she walked in one evening to church when I was working in the nursery, she filled out visitor cards for Haidyn and a couple of other kids she had with her, and we chatted for a minute.  I told her she looked so familiar to me and thats when I realized it was little Heather Wright all grown up!
I am so thankful that God brought Heather back to Graceway and that we have been able to become close over the past year or so.  Carson and Haidyn are the same age...exact same age...same birthday and everything! Eli and Aden are a year apart but Eli can hold his own with anybody!
I have loved watching Heather grow in the Lord, study His Word, and learn more and more what it means to be a godly woman, wife, mother, and friend.  She is probably one of the happiest, smiliest people I know.  She makes me laugh and just enjoys life.  I love her spontaneity and her outlook on life.  She is energetic, fun, outgoing, and full of life!
Not only does she have this fun, bubbly personality but she also loves the Lord with all her heart and she exemplifies Him in all she does.  I love her desire to know more, I love the questions she asks me, I love how she has written all over her Bible as she studies, grows, and learns.  Heather challenges me, she makes me want to do better, she motivates me to study more.  She lives out loud and shows Jesus to everyone she comes in contact with.  I have very seldom heard from her complaining, grumbling, or negativity.  She can see the positive in almost any situation.
Heather is faithful and obedient.  She follows what God commands for her life and is an example to her husband, children, family, and everyone around her.  She is following hard after God, she strives to be like Him, love like Him, and point others to Him.  She is a great example of an extraordinary woman!
Heather, thank you for being my friend!  I am so glad God brought you into my life!  I am beyond blessed as I watch you learn more and more what it means to follow God!  I love your love for His word and how you desire to be obedient and do His will!  I love that through challenges and trials you are faithful and consistent. You are learning and growing, and you don't give up or waiver.  You are a great friend and encourager.  Keep doing what you are doing, God will bless that!  I know He has amazing things in store for your life as you continue to become more like Him as an extraordinary woman!  I love you!

12 Extraordinary Women ~ Part 6

Halfway there!  I had no idea when I started this that it would take me such a long time.  It is not from lack of choices in extraordinary women but more lack of time to really sit down and write exactly what I want to say about each of these women.  The things I have said about each of them barely scratches the surface on some of their amazing qualities and the way they live their lives.  It is such an honor to know so many extraordinary women.  As I have said before, these are not the women that stand out immediately in our minds; these are the women who are quietly, faithfully serving God who are not always recognized for the great things they do and way they live their lives.
Today I am going to tell you about one of my favorite people in the world.  She is someone that I look up to, admire, and wish I could be more like.  She is definitely an extraordinary woman.  Gaye is an incredibly godly woman, she loves the Lord with all her heart.  She is an amazing mom, grandma, daughter, sister, wife, and friend.  She takes amazing care of the people in her life.  She is giving, sensitive to the needs of others, selfless, and such a hard worker.
Gaye is someone who I have been blessed to know at church and working together in the nursery.  She is an outstanding nursery director; she loves each one of the children that walk through the doors.  She speaks so kindly to them, knows how to communicate so well with their parents, and keeps things running smoothly.  A few of us try to fill in when she isn't there but no one can do it like Gaye does!  She is missed very much when she isn't there but I am thankful for the times she is able to rest or take care of herself and let others minister to her.  Gaye and I have spent many, many, many hours together over the past several years and I have loved every minute of it!  She has such wisdom and Biblical knowledge.  She gives great advice and when she doesn't have the answers she will pray about it and always come back to you with some words of wisdom! She is an encourager and a cheerleader for the people in her life.  She makes you feel at ease and like you could pour out your whole heart to her if you could.  I respect her so much.  She is a faithful servant of God, obedient to His will and call on her life.  She is steady and consistent.  She is full of joy and peace that only comes from the Lord.  She is a prayer warrior and true example of Christ's love.
Gaye is someone who does her "job" at church with a joyful heart and a burden for the lives of children.  She too often goes unrecognized for all the hard work she puts into her ministry and we tend to take for granted that she will be there or will take care of things.  I am personally wanting to do better about thanking Gaye and other people in church ministry for all of their hard work, dedication, and devotion to the church and the things of God.  Without women like Gaye things would be very different.  I love that Aden loves to see "Miss Gaye" and runs in (almost) every time he sees her.  She makes him want to be at church.  The nursery is a place that is peaceful, exciting, and filled with love for all of the children.
I also love how Gaye loves her family and friends.  She loves life, she spends quality time with people, she is devoted to the people in her life, and she cherishes moments with them.
Gaye, thank you for being such an extraordinary woman!  You have made a huge impact on my life over the years and I feel incredibly blessed to know you and to call you my friend.  Thank you for all you do! Thank you for loving the Lord, loving His call on your life, and loving others like He does.  I see Jesus in you!  You inspire me and motivate me to do better! Thank you for all you have taught me and for all the things I have yet to learn from you.  Thank you for loving my children and showing them Jesus.  You are one of the most faithful, consistent, gracious, knowledgeable, enoucoraging, patient, godly women I know!  It really is an honor and blessing to know you!  I LOVE YOU!

12 Extraordinary Women ~ Part 5

I have a friend who I admire so much.  She is someone who follows hard after God and makes extraordinary look easy!  She made my college years much more fun and she always made me laugh!  I have an incredible amount of respect for her and I love how she loves the Lord.
Stacy is a few years younger than me, we met while I was at USAO.  She and I were both in Deaf Education and had LOTS of classes together.   She was a mess...I love how she never really cared what people thought of her.  She did her own thing.  She loved life and made it exciting.  Going through all of our classes together we became friends and I am so thankful for that.  We became close while we student taught at the same school.  I loved spending everyday with her and getting to know her better.  The more I got to know her, the more I saw that her zeal for life came from her daily walk with the Lord.  She was bold in her faith, she was an encourager and example, she made me want to do better.
Fast forward to today, Stacy is happily married to an awesome guy and has two adorable kids.  She is still all of those things I said before.  She is steady, consistent, faithful, and strives to be like Christ.
She is a godly wife who loves her husband.  They laugh together, they make memories, and they love one another just like scripture says.  Stacy is a great mommy who is raising children in a home filled with love, laughter, and a desire to live for God.  She is also a pre-k teacher who loves those children as well.  She works hard and does what is right in every area of her life.  Stacy is faithful to her  church.  She is active and involved.  She is committed to doing the things of the Lord in ministry.
What I love about Stacy is she doesn't take things too seriously, she is relaxed and at peace.  The light of Jesus shines through her and I have never seen her waiver.  She makes people feel at ease and comfortable. She loves others, she loves like Jesus.
Stacy is a great example of an extraordinary woman.  I have seen her at high points and low points but never did I question her faithful to God.  I am so grateful that I have been able to be a part of a life that is so molded into the image of Christ.
Stacy, thank you for being an example.  Thank you for doing right.  Thank you for being consistent.  I have so much respect for you.  Your knowledge of the Bible is amazing.  Your love for the Lord is inspiring.  You are one of my favorite college memories! :)  I am blessed to know you and I am so glad I have such an extraordinary woman in my life.

12 Extraordinary Women ~ Part 4

It's challenging to sit down and write a blog about amazing women when you have been hit with first, Carson getting sick and now Aden having pneumonia in both lungs!  What a week!  Carson is doing much better and yesterday when Aden started to cough a little and have a runny nose I just assumed he had a little cold from Carson.  A few hours later....throw up in my hair and a boy with a 102 fever...I found out he was a pretty stinkin' sick little man.  Aden has had a cold here and there but never been sick like this.  It breaks my heart and I wish I could fix it for him.  We are doing all we can and hopefully in the next day or 2 we will start to see some improvement!
On days like this, when I have sat with a 2 1/2 year old in my lap all day long burning up with fever, when I feel exhausted, helpless and overwhelmed, I am extra thankful for the amazing women in my life.  My extraordinary woman from day 3 started out by blessing me this morning by offering to pick Carson up from school today!  I nearly cried when I read her text...I think that was partially from being so tired though.  I was so thankful to be able to stay home, not have to wake Aden up from his nap and let Carson have a little bit of fun by riding with Saydee and Lindsay.
So many of my extraordinary women have called me today to check on us and see if we need anything.  I feel so blessed!  I am very thankful for the awesome women I have in my life who love me and my kids and I know would do anything for us.
This afternoon, one of my favorite ladies called me.  She is definitely extraordinary!  I have watched her walk through trials and experience heart ache like I can not imagine and all along that path she has been faithful, committed, and obedient.  Marilyn is an amazing woman.  Over the past several months I have been blessed to get to know her better!  She has been at our church for quite some time now but I never really got to know her well until she started giving Carson piano lessons.
Marilyn is someone that I admire and respect.  She is a talented, kind, loving, giving, godly woman.  She wants to help, she wants to be used, she cares and is compassionate.  She is a great listener and encourager.  She has so much Biblical knowledge, wisdom, and discernment.  I love to hear her talk about the things of the Lord; her walk with Him is so natural and apparent.  She loves her family, friends, and church.  She is so committed to doing the things of the Lord and being obedient to His call on her life.
I am amazed by Marilyn.  Her husband, LD, went to be with the Lord nearly a year ago and I have watched Marilyn and I have seen her continue to be faithful.  She is such a strong woman and I would love to be more like her.  She has had hurt, sadness, and countless numbers of feelings that I can not begin to understand but I see the peace of God all over her.  She rests in Him, she rejoices, and she is an example to others.
I love how much my children love Marilyn.  I love that she loves them.  I am so glad they are getting to know her like I am.  Her home is a place where I feel "at home" and comfortable.  She welcomes people into her home and lets little boys kick off their shoes, run around, and have snacks. (there are piano lessons mixed in there too)
Marilyn , thank you for your obedience to God.  Thank you for being faithful to Him.  You are a great example to me and I feel so blessed to have such an extraordinary woman in my life.  You live like Christ, He shines through you, you love like Him.  Thank you for all you do and for living a life that is such a great example for other woman!

12 Extraordinary Women ~ Part 3

It has been several days since I shared with you one of my 12 extraordinary women posts...it is not for lack of ideas but lack of time and energy.  Carson became sick during the night Wednesday night and we spent most of Thursday, Friday and Saturday resting, coughing, doing breathing treatments, and starting all over again.  Sunday he was on the mend and today was back to school and back to normal around here.  He did come home from school exhausted today and in need of a breathing treatment but he said he was very glad to be back to school and that his friends all missed him very much!
All that to say, taking care of a sick boy took priority over my blog but today I am ready to get back into the swing of things with my 3rd installment of 12 extraordinary women who have no idea they are extraordinary.
Today, just like day 1 and day 2, I want to tell you about a woman who is godly, faithful, a servant, and a great example of the Proverbs 31 woman.  These women are not the expected, obvious choices and because I have been incredibly blessed in my life, I have many women to choose from who have blessed my life.
I have a very dear friend in my life, she has been a part of it since the 3rd grade.  Lindsay is my sister's age but even as a little girl she let me be a part of her life.  She included me, loved me, let me share her clothes, and made me feel special.  I will never forget spending afternoons at her house and her letting me try on her shoes, play with her stuffed animals, and her treating me like I was no different then the "older girls."  That has always meant so much to me and made for some very happy memories for me.  Over the past several years, Lindsay and I have become very close and I am so incredibly thankful to have her in my life.  She is probably one of the happiest people I know.  She loves life, she always has a hug and smile ready for you, she laughs and makes you laugh right along with her.  She is Lindsay...she has never changed for anyone, what you see is what you get, and I love that about her.  I admire her so much.
Lindsay has been a part of my life in very pivotal moments and she probably doesn't even realize it.  The best advice I was given when I got married was from her.  Some of the best conversations and words of encouragement I received when Carson was such a sick little baby were from her.  She is honest but with kindness.  She is helpful and willing.  She has discernment and wisdom.  Her phone calls always have come at the perfect moment, the words she shares have always been exactly what I need to hear (even if it isn't what I want to hear), she is a great friend.
Lindsay is a very godly woman...her love for the Lord and doing His will is evident in every area of her life.  She motivates me and makes me want to do better. You don't have to look far to see Jesus in her, His light shines through her and all she is and all she does is because she is a servant of God.
 She takes great care of her home, her husband, and her daughter.  She is truly a Proverbs 31 woman.  She honors her husband and respects him.  She is raising Saydee in a godly home and teaching her what it looks like and what it means to be a child of God.  She has a home that is beautiful, warm, and inviting.  She loves her family, her  church family, and her friends.
She loves others, the ones that are easy to love and those that are not as lovable.  She makes people feel at ease and content.  She loves like Christ.  She goes above and beyond!
Lindsay is one that you could easily take for granted...she is always there, she will always do it, she is always willing, she is ever faithful.  I pray that I do not take her for granted.  I pray that I encourage her, thank her, and do my best to remind her often what an amazing woman I think she is.
I love how she loves God, I love how she strives to be better, I love how she is genuine and true, I love that she doesn't take herself too seriously, and I love that she is my friend and example.
Lindsay, thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for taking the time to get to know me.  I love going to church with you, raising our children in the same church and school, having our husbands serve as deacons together, and just being friends. You are a tremendous blessing, not just to me, but to so many of the people you come in contact with.  You are truly extraordinary, special, and unique! There is no one else like you and I'm so glad God gave you to me and everyone else in your life.